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Top 5 Women's World Cup Nightmares

Posted in General Health 22 Jun, 2015

You've got to feel for the England Women's World Cup team. They're on the world stage doing what they do best, but as other women will know, they must be worrying about a few things. Here's our list of the top 5 health issues any female footballer would want to avoid during a big game.

1. Periods

Urgh, why does everything about being female come back to periods? It's just a fact of life - the curse WILL catch you out at some point. Murphy's Law dictates the players will get an unexpected period when they are wearing their white football shorts.

Not only is there the horror of leakage in public, periods zap energy and make you hysterical over everything. Delaying your period using your contraception or a period delay is a handy trick to have when a big event is coming up.

2. Thrush

Imagine having thrush and trying not to scratch on national television. Those nylon football shorts are likely to set it off aren't they? Try to feel some compassion for those women even though you are jealous of their legs and toned backsides. Abba suffered in the same way. Nylon is the forerunner of thrush, so it's great news that it can be treated with cream and pessaries. Always have some in your medicine cupboard.

3. Cystitis

Cystitis can be triggered by many things - sex being one. No sex before the game may well be a rule in the women's changing room. I'm sure they're also avoiding bath bubbles, perfumed soaps from international hotels, and unfamiliar washing powder used to get grass stains out of the white nylon shorts - Oh the horror of needing a burning cactus wee - full blown cystitis before the game, dear lord no. You'd have to stop every 3 minutes to pointlessly sit on the loo and lie in the bath crying.

4. Asthma Attack

The stress of a penalty shoot-out may increase the risk of an asthma attack if the ladies are prone. All that churned-up grass, running around and dry ice may tip them over the edge. Preventative asthma meds are crucial, treatment meds essential. No pressure girls. But don't miss it, will you?

5. Large Spot or Cold Sore

Everyone likes to look their best, but stress and sweating in make-up are red flags to a spot. Surely if you're going to be on the world stage you've got to wear a bit of foundation - I'm sure Wayne Rooney does. David Beckham certainly did.

The risk of catching the cold sore virus is no doubt quadrupled when sharing that qualifying match victory drink from a football boot. I expect they have stockpiled medicinal creams.

All these health problems faced by the women's team are the same issues we females face frequently. Period + exams anyone? Cystitis during a holiday aboard? An asthma attack when you're stressed?

I wonder what the men's team dread the most. Perhaps a close up on their bald patch or an uncontrollable erection after hitting that penalty? The list is endless, but that's a whole other blog.

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