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Periods - It's Hard Being Female

Posted in Personal Health 14 May, 2015

Periods are proof that if God exists he is a man. They make you sweat in the worst way, purposely ruin your underwear, take away your freedom, and frankly make you feel like you went to Hades and gave birth through your eyeballs. I'm not even joking.

Here are the main problems as I see them.

1. Timing

Timing is everything. Our periods know this, and that is why they make their grand entrance at the most inopportune time. They catch you out like an office perv at the water cooler. Feel the pain of a woman on Buzzfeed who bled onto a chair during a job interview. Cringe!

2. Timing Again

Not only will your period randomly start at any given moment, sometimes you think it's finished and then BAM! Hello again! You then spend all day stuffing your knickers with toilet roll and managing your fluid intake so you can wee and replenish at the same time.

3. Feeling Out of Control

With periods comes PMT. It makes you want to simultaneously cry, scream, eat, be sick, faint and push your partner into oncoming traffic if he dares to look at another female. A fair number of women use contraception or period delay treatment to manage their periods to some extent. At least then they are prepared for the arrival of Aunt Flo and know not to schedule a date with Hot Steve that week. Unless they like laundry - see below.

4. Secrecy

How many of us have tried to sneak a tampon from our bags? I tried this at my in-laws and then had to hide it in my bra when they spontaneously decided to give me a tour of the garden. I really don't care about your clematis right now! It's even worse when a small child notices you are concealing something and demands to see. Then everyone is looking at you.

5. Knickers

We all have period knickers - granny pants that are capable of catching an Exon Valdez sized spillage. Wearing any kind of expensive underwear is a red flag to a period. One mismanagement and those knickers are ruined forever. Oh, and there's the issue of what black item to wear over the period knickers without having VPL.

6. Sex Desert

Does anyone like having sex on a period? Thought not. Men might not care so much, but it's not them scrubbing sheets with stain remover and freezing cold water in the morning. I'd rather go without thanks. Although that usually means a sulk on from him and a suggestion that 'we can do other things...' Yes. I know what that means, but I've just had a particularly hot curry. You don't want to get blisters on Big Lance and the twins do you?

7. Overnight Trauma

And speaking of leakage, how not to seep onto the sheets whilst you slumber? Set an alarm? Double up? Buy incontinence pads? Where are those period-managing contraceptives again?

I'm coming back as a pigeon in my next life. A male one, so I don't have to deal with this anymore.

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